A few days ago I ran into a good friend at a bar and standing next to him was a girl I had never seen before. After talking for a few minutes I realized that they were on date, so I kissed my friend goodbye and told him to call me soon. A week later we met for coffee and I said to him, well, there you go, you found yourself a new girl. He looked at me and simply said, no she’s not it.
Luc, an undercover police officer in Paris, broke up with a woman over six months ago, whom he says broke his heart. Even four months after the break-up Luc would tell me that he was just going to have to be a bachelor for the rest of his life because he wouldn’t know how to deal with another woman wrenching out his heart. When he told me that the first time I tried not to be cynical but I couldn’t help saying, oh please! The same thing happens to women everyday and we move on! But after seeing him more recently with this new women full of great qualities, to hear him tell me that she just wasn’t it brought a new perspective to his situation.
As we continued talking about the new girl he had started seeing he told me (and in typical French fashion) “It’s too bad. She is a nice girl; pretty and friendly but it is just not going to work.” He said it with no remorse but perhaps a little disappointed that he wasn’t going to be able to marry her. Yet, he did surprise me when I asked him if she knew that yet, since they were meant to be seeing one another later that day. He responded that of course he was going to tell her because “you have to always be honest,” For the rest of the day I was haunted by that conversation. For the past two months I have been in hiding from men and relationships; I have needed time to recover from my wounds and as much as I have wanted to go out, find a great guy and enjoy my time with him the whole process seems to be too much work. I couldn’t criticize Luc for dating women he knew he probably wouldn’t talk to again in three weeks. While it is slightly insensitive to casually date someone who may want more, isn’t our first duty to ourselves? There is no use in dating someone and pretending that you will be around for the next year when all you are interested in is a little fun for a few weeks.
That’s when I realized the difference between Luc and I. Luc needs to date different women in order to remind himself of what he is looking for and to see that he has not quite found it yet while I on the other hand need to be alone and lose myself in my work to remind myself that I will be ok; I don’t always need to dating someone (especially if they are going to hurt me) to feel good about myself. Yet sometimes he can’t understand why I am not dating anyone and I don’t quite see the need to date women he doesn’t really want to be with.
But when I look around I sense that Luc and I are not the only ones with our own little quirky systems that might not necessarily be helpful but make ourselves feel better. One of my friends won’t give herself over to a relationship that she deep down probably wants to be in because that means the field is leveled and no one has control. Another friend resorts to pushing away the ones she loves because it is easier to walk away from something where people are upset with you instead of being sad to see you leave. One girlfriend jumps from guy to guy so there is always something fresh to look at while another tries to smile past all the pain and disappointment that may be happening in her life.
Ironically, there is probably nothing wrong with any of us- people simply need to do what they need to do. There is no time for judgment or advice; we all know what works best for ourselves. Yet, I can’t help wondering, what are we missing? If something so significant has happened in our lives that cause these reactions there must be consequences. I may feel comfortable coming home every night from class or work, alone with my DVD collection and the Chinese take-out next door but am I really satisfied with it? The Chinese food eventually loses its flavor and the same episode of Friends or Sex and the City gets redundant.
The good thing about life is that time moves on and as we approach the end of another year I can at least say, hey I’ve go some experience, so look out! It doesn’t matter that seeing all the happy couples in the airport at this time of year makes me slightly sick nor does it matter that this year I probably won’t have anyone to kiss as the ball drops. I do, like all my friends, have the knowledge of what is best for myself and as much as men sometimes infuriate me with their disregard for women’s feelings they may have gotten something right: don’t try to resuscitate something that is already dead and don’t wear stale, dirty socks too many times (i.e. stay away from the Chinese food!). My male roommate is often my best inspiration. I can’t count how many times he has said to me, “Cass, it is just for fun. If you are not having fun than don’t do it.”
Eventually, after the boxes of Chinese food have stacked up and I have literally worn through all the DVDs I am going to go out again. I may even call that cute guy who asked me out for a drink the other day; in fact, I think I will.
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