Over the past few years it seems I’ve had a bad string of relationships. They all began the same: fun, flirty and exciting, followed by an elated few days only to climax at nothing. That’s right, I have found every kind of “nice” guy out there. In the beginning I am amazing, beautiful, gorgeous, the fantasy of one man for almost four years yet some how I keep finding myself back at square one alone and hurt. I can’t help feeling like I am stuck in some vicious circle where there is no exit.
At first I just wrote it off as stupid men. They didn’t know how to deal with such a fantastic woman. They didn’t understand how to be with a self-sufficient, independent, slightly outspoken American. But by the third time this had happened, and with someone who I was a friend with for almost four years, I began to wonder if the problem wasn’t the guy but if it was me. Was there something incredibly wrong with me that after a man spent a few days with me he had to get away? One dropped me (literally!) for a friend of mine, another decided his job was of more importance than me, yet another claimed bad timing, while the last one hasn’t said anything because he hasn’t talked to me since he brought me to the airport. The pattern seems clear enough; the one thing they had in common was me.
So what is so wrong with me that I send men running and screaming in the opposite direction? Am I too much to handle? I have never thought of myself as high maintenance, maybe a bit melodramatic (I tend to stomp my feet when I am really mad) but never high maintenance. I also am pretty easy to talk too. Sure, I might be a bit judgmental, and very opinionated but I will always listen when asked. And just because I grew up somewhat sheltered and was not necessarily spoiled but learned how to get what I wanted doesn’t mean I can’t identify with other people from different backgrounds as myself.
Personally, I don’t think I am all that bad. But then they say you never truly know someone until you have shared their bed. Out of all these relationships I am blown away by the most recent situation and my inability to move on. I met this man almost four years ago through a mutual friend. We had kept in touch for the past few years even though at times we were thousand’s of miles apart. Our relationship was entirely platonic and from my side of things I never imagined it to be anything but that.
A few months ago I went to visit him and his girlfriend at the time. Apparently things were not so great with his girlfriend because after he and I spent a few hours together talking and as I was getting ready for a date myself, he mentioned how much he wished he was the one taking me on the date. Slightly shocked by this remark but not entirely surprised because of an earlier conversation we had had that day. I laughed it off. Two months after this occurred my friend had broken up with his girlfriend and was eager to make plans to see me again. After his remark from before I had begun thinking about what it would be like to be with him.
Still unsure of what I wanted (because I was afraid to ruin our friendship) I made plans to see him alone. The weekend was fantastic, or so I thought. We spent four days hanging out, arranging the new house he had just bought and being alone together. Yet, as soon as I returned to Paris he became completely M.I.A. And still I have not heard a word from him. Unlike all the rest of the men who blew me off this one really hurts. Not only have I lost a good friend, but also a man who said he had been thinking of me from the day we met. Am I just an utter disappointment? Or since he got what was previously unattainable he can now move on? Did I walk straight into the trap? Worst of all he doesn’t talk to me and suddenly I am dealing with someone who I have never known. This is not the friend who I kept in touch with all these years and this is definitely not the man I wondered what it would be like to have a relationship with. How is it that we can go from being so close with someone and caring so much for him or her to pretending that they don’t exist?
Pride keeps me from calling him or sending that angry email. But there are moments when every bone in my body wants to scream at him and demand answers to all my questions. But past experience tells me most men don’t respond to directness very well and they most definitely don’t respond to angry women well. So I am left wondering when and if the phone will ring. Time feels like it is standing still with him while real life is moving forward even faster. Like any other human being I am forced to succumb to the movement of time; there are papers to write, tests to study for and deadlines to meet.
All the while, through the haze of emotions I have felt over the past few weeks- sadness, hurt, anger, confusion, disappointment, insecurity, I have started to feel that at almost 22 no man is worth this much of my emotional time or energy. I should be having fun, dating different people and not getting too attached so that I can have lots of great experiences. But instead I am living vicariously through a Maria Carey or Kelly Clarkson song. One minute I am telling myself to “shake it off”, while the next I am thinking, “ I hate myself for losing you.”
What gets me the most is how reluctant I was to get involved with him in the beginning and if it hadn’t been for his persistence I am not sure if I would have taken the risk to begin a relationship with him. But I took the risk because I assumed it would be risk free. So at least I have learned one thing, nothing is free in life and nothing is ever risk free. You have to take your chances but be aware that taking a chance is taking a chance. The French meaning for chance is luck, which is probably the best way to look at taking a chance- hoping for some luck. Next time, when I decide to take a chance on a relationship I am not only going to hope for some bonne chance but I will also be whistling a different tune by Elton John:
“Don’t go breaking my heart.”
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