There is something bittersweet about the end of one year and the beginning of a new one. Instinctively we are sad and somewhat emotional that the end is coming. It often signifies the end of one era, in which you may have had great memories and fabulous relationships. But I have often found more times than not, the end of the year is cause for celebration. You are able to cleanse yourself of all the mistakes you made in the past year and optimistically plan for all the ways you are going to do things right in the coming year.
This, I have found, is true for relationships as well. Anytime one-relationship ends we are able to take all the mistakes we made, all the disappointment we endured and all the words we shouldn’t have said, propel them forward and call it experience. However, more often that not instead of calling it experience, I often just add it to a flooding river of cynicism in me that seems to grow longer every year.
Unfortunately though cynical people are only so fun for so long. No one ever really wants to hear about how bad everything is and how it will always stay the same forever, regardless if that is the truth. Whether it is starving children in developing nations or simply the fact that men and women will never really change, people want to hear that everything in the end will work out perfectly. All the children will be fed one day and men and women really will change.
But in the growing world of information and impersonalized communication it is hard to accept these ideas and still keep yourself from hating the world around you simply because it seems to grow worse and never better. And while we can unfortunately accept daily that there will always be starving children in the world, we somehow can’t accept anything but a perfect relationship.
So if we can optimistically accept a list of New Year’s resolutions each year do we need to start making our own relationship resolutions? And how do you ever go about making this list when being in a relationship is such a different experience than losing that last ten pounds or re-organizing a closet? And can we make resolutions to the relationships we are already in?
For single people the list is almost like a trick question. Can you break the older, bad habits without creating newer worse ones at the same time? However, universally I think we can all agree on resolution number 1: no more dating men (or women depending on your sexuality) who are a) freaks, b) emotionally unavailable, c) make bad excuses as to why they don’t call, d) have hidden agendas, e) have a girlfriend/boyfriend or f) all of the above. If you have found yourself leaning towards these types in the past, which I think anyone can admit to having done at least once, then this is your year to break the bad habit!
Resolution number 2, don’t settle for anything less than you deserve. This means no dating someone who already has a significant other in hopes that they will leave theirs for you. No dating someone who treats you badly and seemingly calls you only when they want to have sex. And no dating people who are two faced; they love you behind closed doors but treat you badly in public. Unless of course you are in fact that person, to which all the warning signs say to avoid. If true, please sign yourself up for counseling ASAP and leave all of us nice, caring, loving people alone!
Resolution number 3, don’t be in a relationship just to be in a relationship. If you are with someone because you think it is better than being alone, then you have so much to learn still. There is no point in wasting your time and another person’s heart because you are too scared to be out there as a single and independent person. Yes, putting yourself out there can be scary, terrifying actually but how will you ever know who you are if you don’t give yourself time to discover it on your own.
And resolution number 4, being single is fabulous, so enjoy it! When else are you going to get to spontaneously spend time with whomever whenever you want? It is nice to know that your schedule is your schedule and you don’t have to check in with anyone to confirm. You can make and break plans with whomever you would like and there is no messy emotional attachment stuff to guilt trip you into doing anything you don’t really want to do.
That being said, single people have it easy in the relationship resolution department. We make resolutions everyday without really knowing it, by choosing to be single still (and yes, it is a choice!). However, I think it is those people who are in relationships that have it the hardest when it comes to making resolutions. Relationship does not mean static it means growing, loving, changing and different levels of intimacy. But these will never fully be achieved if you don’t give yourself some direction. As some of my closest friends will tell me, the beginning of a relationship never stays the beginning forever. Once you are in the middle you are no longer testing the water together but you are truly swimming. It’s up to you whether you want to pull each other under or swim together.
Resolution number 6, don’t cut yourself off from the other person. When the going gets tough, what do you chose to do? Some people break-up, some people cheat and others pretend there is no problem. These are all solutions but probably won’t make you or your partner feel any better. One very smart friend of mine said to me the other day, “you can never change the other person, all you can do is decide to change your perspective and come in prepared with an exit strategy for whatever life or love throws at you. If you go in ready to give up, you will always lose, but if you come in, with a fresh and positive point of view, with a plan, then you are more likely to succeed.”
In the spirit of fresh ideas, make resolution number 7 your vow to be spontaneous in your relationship. We all get bored, that is a given fact. As much as you might like the latest song on the radio, you can only listen to it so many times before you get sick of it. Take this as an opportunity to go where you have never been before in your relationship. Don’t do anything that makes you uncomfortable but put yourself out there a bit. That is what your partner is there for; let them catch you when you begin to fall- you know you will be there for them.
I think resolution number 8 falls along the lines of a what not to do resolution- don’t buy or make anything because you think it will save your relationship. It will only give you something else to fight about. A friend of mine had been seeing someone for two years, they lived together and thought they would get married. However, near the end things started to get really bad because they had simply grown apart and their lives were moving in different directions. Instead of acknowledging this fact and breaking up, they bought a little puppy instead, expecting it to save their relationship. In the end all it did was make them hate one another even more because only one of them got to keep the puppy when they finally did break-up. Marriage proposals, babies, moving across the world are all great and wonderful steps in life, but never, ever do it because you think that it was the missing element to an already sinking relationship. The more complicated it gets, the harder it will be to abandon ship.
The last resolution is one I think we can all agree to, single or coupled. Resolve to be happy with yourself, for yourself before you try to make anyone else feel that same way. If you feel miserable about where your life is going, who you are and what you are there is a slim chance that your outlook is going to be attractive and help propel some forward in their life. Whether you quit smoking this year, lose the weight you have been dying to lose, run a marathon or find that perfect person to date make your resolution to be happy for you and only you because at the end of the year that is the only person you truly have to face.
This, I have found, is true for relationships as well. Anytime one-relationship ends we are able to take all the mistakes we made, all the disappointment we endured and all the words we shouldn’t have said, propel them forward and call it experience. However, more often that not instead of calling it experience, I often just add it to a flooding river of cynicism in me that seems to grow longer every year.
Unfortunately though cynical people are only so fun for so long. No one ever really wants to hear about how bad everything is and how it will always stay the same forever, regardless if that is the truth. Whether it is starving children in developing nations or simply the fact that men and women will never really change, people want to hear that everything in the end will work out perfectly. All the children will be fed one day and men and women really will change.
But in the growing world of information and impersonalized communication it is hard to accept these ideas and still keep yourself from hating the world around you simply because it seems to grow worse and never better. And while we can unfortunately accept daily that there will always be starving children in the world, we somehow can’t accept anything but a perfect relationship.
So if we can optimistically accept a list of New Year’s resolutions each year do we need to start making our own relationship resolutions? And how do you ever go about making this list when being in a relationship is such a different experience than losing that last ten pounds or re-organizing a closet? And can we make resolutions to the relationships we are already in?
For single people the list is almost like a trick question. Can you break the older, bad habits without creating newer worse ones at the same time? However, universally I think we can all agree on resolution number 1: no more dating men (or women depending on your sexuality) who are a) freaks, b) emotionally unavailable, c) make bad excuses as to why they don’t call, d) have hidden agendas, e) have a girlfriend/boyfriend or f) all of the above. If you have found yourself leaning towards these types in the past, which I think anyone can admit to having done at least once, then this is your year to break the bad habit!
Resolution number 2, don’t settle for anything less than you deserve. This means no dating someone who already has a significant other in hopes that they will leave theirs for you. No dating someone who treats you badly and seemingly calls you only when they want to have sex. And no dating people who are two faced; they love you behind closed doors but treat you badly in public. Unless of course you are in fact that person, to which all the warning signs say to avoid. If true, please sign yourself up for counseling ASAP and leave all of us nice, caring, loving people alone!
Resolution number 3, don’t be in a relationship just to be in a relationship. If you are with someone because you think it is better than being alone, then you have so much to learn still. There is no point in wasting your time and another person’s heart because you are too scared to be out there as a single and independent person. Yes, putting yourself out there can be scary, terrifying actually but how will you ever know who you are if you don’t give yourself time to discover it on your own.
And resolution number 4, being single is fabulous, so enjoy it! When else are you going to get to spontaneously spend time with whomever whenever you want? It is nice to know that your schedule is your schedule and you don’t have to check in with anyone to confirm. You can make and break plans with whomever you would like and there is no messy emotional attachment stuff to guilt trip you into doing anything you don’t really want to do.
That being said, single people have it easy in the relationship resolution department. We make resolutions everyday without really knowing it, by choosing to be single still (and yes, it is a choice!). However, I think it is those people who are in relationships that have it the hardest when it comes to making resolutions. Relationship does not mean static it means growing, loving, changing and different levels of intimacy. But these will never fully be achieved if you don’t give yourself some direction. As some of my closest friends will tell me, the beginning of a relationship never stays the beginning forever. Once you are in the middle you are no longer testing the water together but you are truly swimming. It’s up to you whether you want to pull each other under or swim together.
Resolution number 6, don’t cut yourself off from the other person. When the going gets tough, what do you chose to do? Some people break-up, some people cheat and others pretend there is no problem. These are all solutions but probably won’t make you or your partner feel any better. One very smart friend of mine said to me the other day, “you can never change the other person, all you can do is decide to change your perspective and come in prepared with an exit strategy for whatever life or love throws at you. If you go in ready to give up, you will always lose, but if you come in, with a fresh and positive point of view, with a plan, then you are more likely to succeed.”
In the spirit of fresh ideas, make resolution number 7 your vow to be spontaneous in your relationship. We all get bored, that is a given fact. As much as you might like the latest song on the radio, you can only listen to it so many times before you get sick of it. Take this as an opportunity to go where you have never been before in your relationship. Don’t do anything that makes you uncomfortable but put yourself out there a bit. That is what your partner is there for; let them catch you when you begin to fall- you know you will be there for them.
I think resolution number 8 falls along the lines of a what not to do resolution- don’t buy or make anything because you think it will save your relationship. It will only give you something else to fight about. A friend of mine had been seeing someone for two years, they lived together and thought they would get married. However, near the end things started to get really bad because they had simply grown apart and their lives were moving in different directions. Instead of acknowledging this fact and breaking up, they bought a little puppy instead, expecting it to save their relationship. In the end all it did was make them hate one another even more because only one of them got to keep the puppy when they finally did break-up. Marriage proposals, babies, moving across the world are all great and wonderful steps in life, but never, ever do it because you think that it was the missing element to an already sinking relationship. The more complicated it gets, the harder it will be to abandon ship.
The last resolution is one I think we can all agree to, single or coupled. Resolve to be happy with yourself, for yourself before you try to make anyone else feel that same way. If you feel miserable about where your life is going, who you are and what you are there is a slim chance that your outlook is going to be attractive and help propel some forward in their life. Whether you quit smoking this year, lose the weight you have been dying to lose, run a marathon or find that perfect person to date make your resolution to be happy for you and only you because at the end of the year that is the only person you truly have to face.
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