Ever since I was a little girl I have always loved films where the hero or heroine is jetting around the world. I wanted to be that character that suddenly finds himself in a strange land, forced to adapt to a different language and different culture. I always imagined myself as the person who was forced to cleverly manage sticky situations and who could charm an entire army without saying a single word.
And in reality I have managed to do those things in my own way. While I have never actually wooed the Soviet Army to dance with me instead of kill me nor have I ever saved an entire village from destruction with only a piece of rope, fishing line and some quick thinking, I like to think that I have accomplish certain feats all on my own. For any person who has found himself lost in Paris at 4am, just making it back to your doorstep on a street in which you can’t remember the name seems pretty impressive. And sometimes just making it through the day in Paris without being on the verge of tears because of something the French do different feels like a step up on maturity.
Yet, whichever feeling motivates me to keep moving in the world and encourages me to satisfy that travel itch, I am always happy to hop on plane and explore somewhere new. And after spending the summer in yet another place I made my biannual check in with my family and got the most emotionally challenging yet exciting experience to date.
Now, the problem with constantly jet-setting around the world is that you are always moving. Relationships, whether platonic or romantic, are often tested and besides the few exceptions, they only last for so long before both parties seem to grow apart. Romantically I have never been too disappointed because I have always been excited to see what and who else were out there. It never mattered that it didn’t work out with guy A because guys B and C could just be around the corner where I was headed.
So when I went home for five days I never expected to meet a man who was not only better than guys A-M so far but also made me question if I even wanted to meet guys O-W (which only makes you question whether there will ever be a guy Z!). Amongst all the feelings that were driving through my body all I could think of doing was complaining! It was so unfair! There I was, days before I had to board a plane and I was trying to come up with excuses as to why I couldn’t pack my bags.
As I boarded the plane two short days later I found myself wondering where was all this world traveling leading me to? Ironically it seemed to lead me back home. But despite any feelings I may have had for this man our paths were headed in a completely different directions and there was nothing controllable about that. Perhaps it was the fact that I hadn’t known him for very long or the idea of him was so irresistible but as I sat in the airport less than twenty-four hours later I couldn’t help questioning not whether this man was the perfect man but whether he was the perfect man for me. Or was it simply the idea of him that was perfect? Or was he perfect because he was unattainable, which meant anything could be possible.
But then who am I kidding? This man, the man who appeared to stick out from all the train wreck relationships of my past, could end up being the same as all the men I have met so far; except that I will never know. While there is always a frightening aspect to the unknown there can also be something comforting about it too. If you never truly know a person than they can remain in whichever spotlight you want them to be in. There is no emotional messiness and the only person you can blame for feeling hurt is yourself.
However, living like this seems slightly shallow. Yes, it might keep you from feeling betrayed; hurt, disappointed or even vulnerable it is also a pretty lonely way to live. But I have learned to accept that with some people you have to let it run its course: you cannot force a relationship nor can you hide from it. Yet for as much as I pride myself on my mobility and eagerness to be somewhere exotic, I suddenly find myself having to leave again when every bone in my body wants to stay rooted—and that is my jet-setters regret.
12 September 2005
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